Geppetto's
by bluemeanies
Summary: After the puppeteers are done with them Ron Weasley, his friends, his family, his enemies and people he merely remembers end up in a bar called Geppetto's. Can they ever get out, and has Snape already done so? Warning: Language and meta, way meta


Ron Weasley was the first of the principles to arrive at Gepetto's that Monday as he was almost every night. He went to a booth in the corner where he saw his former dorm mates Dean and Seamus talking with Ernie McMillan, Padma Patil, Tracey Davis and Blaise Zabini.

"Hey, Ron," Dean said. "How many deaths you got this time?"

"Only ten, thankfully," Ron replied. "Though I'd take another ten if I never pulled bloody Bellatrix again."

"Bad luck, bad luck," Ernie said.

"We only had four of us fucking each other this time," Seamus said nodding his head at Dean. "Do the puppeteers even know Dean doesn't like boys and I've been with Blaise for three years?"

"More than ten years of the bloody puppeteers and I'm ready to have Voldemort back," Dean said, wrapping his arm around Padma's shoulders. Blaise shook his head.

"Would it be any different from the crap that comes from him as a bloody puppet," Blaise said. "I have to go through puppet shows with that megalomaniac all the time like all the other Slytherins."

"Only when they remember us, Blaise," Tracey said. "Some nights I only have small parts, say hi to Harry, do homework…"

"Oh, wouldn't we all like to be so ignored," Ron said. "No dying."

"No more gay sex with you, Seamus," Dean said. "Sorry never interested."

"No more getting the bloody dark mark and then getting it all over again in an anguish of black rainbows, storm clouds, satin pajama's, revolving door lovers of all genders, ages and species, and of course my mother," Blaise said. "And what did I do to deserve this, get sorted into bloody Slytherin that's all." He downed the rest of his mug quickly.

"No more ministry drudgery," Ernie said. "Get sorted into Hufflepuff and suddenly you have to do the most boring job every day for the Ministry. The creepy sex is almost better."

"You must not get a lot of it then," Ron said. "Believe me, if you did you wouldn't say that."

"Must have never drawn a teacher," Padma said shuddering.

"Only ever got Sprout and maybe Snape once," Ernie said.

"Well, Snape ain't exactly Snape and Sprout is probably the nicest of them," Dean said. "McGonagall and Lupin scarred me for life."

"Only four Dean?" Padma smiled ruefully. "I've had McG, Lupin, Dumbles, Quirrell, Hagrid, Flitwick, Trelawny and not-Snape before."

"Plus almost every character in the student body, cause you're a girl and the puppeteers remember your name," Tracey said.

"Being a girl doesn't matter as much if the puppeteers think you are hot," Blaise murmured.

A slim blond walked dreamily to their table. She sat down, removed a pair of scissors from her bag and quickly cut the air over her arms and legs.

"Luna, you do know that there aren't actually strings, right," Padma scolded.

"You just don't look," Luna said. "Charlotte says she spins new ones every night."

"Who's Charlotte?" Ernie asked.

"A spider who talks to a pig," Ron said. All eyes turned to him. "It was a crossover, okay."

"I met a girl named Willow in a crossover once, she was really nice and knew lots of magic," Luna said. "She thought I was pretty."

"Luna, I'm sorry about what happened today," Ron said.

"That's okay, you didn't really kill me, that was just a puppeteer in New York who was mad at her sister," Luna said. "I hope she didn't send you to Azkaban."

"Do you know where in New York so I can go kill her and actually deserve Azkaban this time?" Ron asked.

"You must not get sent there often enough if you want to be sent there for real," a dark haired older man who had just walked into the booth next to them.

"Don't mind Sirius Ron, he's just had a particular dreadful puppeteer who made him relive paranoid visions for hours," Remus Lupin said from the booth.

"Plus having to re-live first year twenty times in twenty different ways, declare this prat my undying love thirty times, plus various other unmentionable acts," Sirius said. "Actually, if you want to start killing the puppeteers I'll join you. We can start with Snape."

"But Professor Snape isn't a puppeteer, sir," Padma said. "Just another puppet."

"Actually, he's the only one who's just a puppet," Albus Dumbledore said from the other table. "I've been meaning to ask him how he got replaced with the wooden doll, but unfortunately the real Severus hasn't shown up for a staff meeting in years."

"I saw the real him once last week," a red-headed women said. "We were sitting by the creek back home, just talking, and then it was time for him to go home and he just rolled his hands and was switched with the doll."

"Signaling for a sub," Dean said. "Why can't we do that?"

"Maybe we could if we tried?" Ron said, but this train of thought was interrupted as his sister stormed in screaming.

"Bill, Charlie, Percy, Dad," Ginny screeched. "Please, no more fucking incest."

Ron flinched, and then went to comfort his sister. Just not that way.

~break~

"I love Wednesday," Harry said, stretching in his stool at Gepetto's.

"I love Wednesday more," Hermione said.

"I wish everyday were Wednesday," Draco said. "Must be like every day for you Weasley."

Ron flushed. Harry was his best friend and Hermione was his wife but he always felt that what with him dying, or being an abusive asshole, or hooking up with Luna, or just disappearing his relatively lighter interaction with the puppeteers created a barrier. When they had admitted Draco to the group of principles out of sympathy for the puppetry he feared that he was being left behind. He understood that they didn't enjoy the stories they were meant to live any more than he did (or at least he sincerely hoped not, he had heard Hermione complain of the exhausting schedule they put her through and the many lovers she had), but he wondered what he had done to be out of favor with the puppeteers.

"None of us gets to choose our roles, Draco," Ginny said. "Harry gets the most because he is the hero, me and Hermione get a lot because we're girls and you must get a lot because of your hair."

"My hair? What's wrong with my hair?" Draco said.

"It's just so shiny, and soft, and all the girls want to play with it," she replied. Draco gaped while they all laughed. "It's like you're the puppeteer's Lockhart."

"Cheers," Ron said. "Bartender another round." He yelled, signaling for another round.

"Ron, you shouldn't get drunk, think of the children," Hermione said.

"Yes, think of the children, who the puppeteers have exposed to plenty of drinking, swearing, sex and homework all before they're even going to Hogwarts," Harry said.

"Harry, James started this year, though sometimes I could swear the puppeteers are having him be played by your father," Neville said.

"And Albus has been sorted into many houses but mostly Slytherin, Scorpius has slept with all of our children even Hugo, and those stories are still not as strange as the ones where our kids are entirely different by different people," Hermione said. "Just who do those puppeteers think they are anyway, doing that to our kids?" The beer arrived and she drank down her mug quickly.

"Now, Hermione, think of the children," Ron said.

"Ron, even if it is a Wednesday I've still had to do ten with you, nine with Harry, five with Draco, add in a McG, a Blaise, a Colin Creevey and then twenty with Professor Snape," Hermione said. "I've got splinters. So I've earned it."

"Splinters," Harry said shivering. Ron saw his shiver joined by Draco, Ginny, Neville and Luna.

"Shelob says her children from Mirkwood won't touch him, they're so scared of splinters," Luna said. "Oh, I forgot." She took out her scissors and cut the air over her arms and legs.

"Shelob?" Neville asked?

"A spider that lives in a cave and eats people," Ron said, shivering. "It was a crossover, ok?"

"I met a girl named Leia in a crossover once, she shot a laser gun and promised to do my hair," Luna said. "She thought the force was strong with me."

"Anyway, any idea why Snape gets to be wood while we've all got to suffer the puppeteers," Draco said. "I really want to strangle that bastard."

"But you're both Slytherins," Neville said.

"Yeah, which means I've got to see that smirk on his oaken face more than the rest of you," Draco said.

"I beg to differ," both Harry and Hermione replied.

"Your mom said she saw the real Snape recently in the village where they grew up, but when it was time to go home he just rolled his arms like this," Ron said, moving his hands in circles. "And the wooden doll subbed in."

"Must be nice," Ginny said.

"Yeah, it doesn't seem to work for me though," Ron said. "I tried this week before a private meeting with Dumbledore, and also before joining the Death Eaters but it didn't work."

"You also tried it before doing the laundry," Hermione said. "Come to think of it, I think I saw Snape do that once. We were supposed to be working on a cure for dragonpox together and he was going over his notes and preparing the ingredients beforehand, and I think it was the real him until I walked in."

"So you scared the real Snape off?" Harry said.

"You should have seen what I was wearing," Hermione said.

"For research?" Ginny said, arching her eyebrows.

~break~

It was Saturday night and Ron was exhausted, but he was done so he found himself in the bar.

"Neville," Ron said. "Off so soon?"

Neville blinked, "This is early?"

"No, it's late but it's Saturday so it is only expected," Ron said. "You should know, you don't get off in time to join us most nights except Wednesdays."

"Ron, don't tell the others but I get off pretty early most nights," Neville said. "It's just Hannah tends to get off earlier, and she doesn't like Gepetto's much so we take a room upstairs. Besides, if I came down here early most nights people might think…"

"…that you didn't deserve to be counted as a principle," Ron said. "Yeah, I get that. Join the club."

"Personally, Ron, I'm becoming less inclined to care even a tiny bit what those psycho puppeteers want. People with such a strong leather fetish shouldn't be trusted," Neville said.

"So, if you're turning in early most nights what are you doing here tonight," Ron said.

"Hannah's not done yet," Neville said. "She's apparently the love interest in a seven year alternative universe romance that someone decided to run in its entirety tonight."

"Yuck, a marathon," Ron replied. "Though the serial stories aren't any better, they just take longer."

"If anyone ever finishes them," Neville said. "This one is really bad though; guess who the love interest is."

"Harry? Draco? Ernie? Susan?" Ron said.

"Too normal," Neville said.

"It shouldn't be normal to just shrug off your wife having a romance with someone else."

"Yeah, well that's life under the puppeteers," Neville said. "Go on, guess, you'll never get how sick this is."

"Dumbledore? You-Know-Who? Fluffy? The Giant Squid?" Ron said.

"WHERE HAVE YOU FREAKS TAKEN MY DIDDYKINS?" a female voice screamed across the bar.

Ron winced, "My condolences."

"Is she always this bad?" Neville asked.

"She usually doesn't appear round here," Ron said. "The Dursley's aren't all that popular with the puppeteers."

"I've only had a couple of stories with them, but listening to Harry I can imagine," Neville said.

"Listen to Lily or James and it gets worse," Ron said. "After that everyone except Snape barely sees them."

"You think she might know how the real Snape escapes?" Neville said.

"No, I don't think the real Snape comes within a mile of a scene she is in," Ron said.

"He doesn't, always leaves before she enters the room," Lily Potter said from behind them. "She seems to have cornered James, mind if I sit here and hide."

"Sure," Ron said.

"You know, after I died I expected that the next time I saw my sister things would be alright, we could forgive each other," Lily said. "And then I had to deal with all these stories reading the source books, living with her, watching Harry as a ghost, living and stealing Harry back, and then it is all too much, you know."

"I know," Ron said. "If I could pull a Snape, believe me I would. I'd leave these stories and never come back."

"But he does come back sometimes, mostly for the happy times when we were kids," Lily said.

"Does he tell you why?" Neville asked.

"My words are never my own outside Geppetto's, so I don't ask," she replied. "I've never seen something he does that obviously deviates from the script, he just disappears."

"You know, I can't even remember the first time the wooden puppet appeared," Ron said.

"I think it was in an OC romance with the Runes teacher," Neville said. "One day I had detention with the real Snape, the next day I had detention with a wooden Snape and Dumbledore came in to tell us she burned to death."

"When was that?" Ron asked.

"Five years ago, give or take," Neville said.

"Then that must be it," Ron said.

"Why?"

"Snape would never have wanted to be real in a detention with you Neville, no offence," he replied.

Luna walked in and came over to their table. She took out her scissors and cut the air over her arms and her legs. "I met a boy named Peter today; he carries a camera and shoots webs from his wrists. He told me all about something called radio-activity."

"Is this another crossover Luna?" Ron asked.

"I was in a crossover with a man named Stan once, he showed me how to write stories and play with puppets," Luna said. "He said it might be interesting to put me with Spiderman but for now he'd stick with Mary Jane."

"And how could he be in the story and be a puppeteer?" Ron asked urgently.

"He danced across the words and pointed to the end. It said **Disclaimer**: Spiderman belongs to Stan Lee," she said.

Lily's eyes lit up. "Neville, the Runes teacher in your story, what was her name?"

"Don't remember, I think her name might have started with a J and she used her initials all the time," Neville said.

"Was it Joanne or J.K. Rowling?" Ron asked.

"Come to think about it, that could be it," Neville said and his eyes widened. "Like Harry Potter and all characters belong to J.K. Rowling? I've never been comfortable with that, I should belong to me you know."

~break~

Hermione Weasley nee Granger stumbled up the stairs at Geppetto's to the room she shared with her husband. The weekend was over and if she was lucky she might get a couple of hours of peace. She had thought he'd be asleep and was surprised to discover that he was sitting at the desk _writing_.

"Ronald, what are you doing," she asked.

"Writing, you know you aren't the only person who thinks around here," Ron said.

"It seems that way sometimes," Hermione muttered. "What are you writing, and it had better not be more limericks for Fred and George to include in Rhyming Rations…"

"Hermione," he whispered.

"… because those weren't funny and cheese doesn't really rhyme with geese, it was awful."

"Hermione, I think I found out how that bastard Snape did it."

"Ron, you'd better not be pulling my leg," she said.

"I'm not sure, but I think a puppeteer made a mistake with an OC and they escaped together," Ron said.

"And what sort of mistake would this loophole be? I've never heard of an OC who turned to wood like Snape does," Hermione said.

"That's because she burned to death, I think I've worked out how to get out of here, I just need to start reading a story."

"Make it quick, I'd like to get some sleep that is not due to passing out after torture."

"Ok, here goes 'There was a woman named Joanne Kathleen Rowling who wrote a story about Ronald and Hermione Weasley and their two children Rose and Hugo.

"Ron, this is ridiculous," Hermione said as they walked to the courthouse.

"Dad, why are you saying the same things as mom and narrating what we are doing on our way to the courthouse," Rose asked.

"Because Daddy is ridiculous," Hugo said grinning. "He's saying the same things as you and me too." He skipped up the road and through the courthouse door which his father was holding open.

Hermione took Rose's hand and followed Hugo through the door glaring at her husband as she did. Ron walked into the courthouse and presented four copies of change of name paperwork. The judge looked at the paperwork and saw that they were all properly filled out and completely in order, contrary to Hermione's opinion on the matter. Hermione scoffed and rolled her eyes. The judge stamped all the paperwork and said, "Weasleys, I hereby declare that all of your names have been changed to Joanne Kathleen Rowling, JK Rowling for short, and also that you are all employees of Bloomsburg Books, Scholastic Books and Time Warner Entertainment. You will start receiving royalty checks on the first of the next month."

"Ron, that is not how the law works, you have to stand in line and even if the name change were legal it doesn't mean that we get any money just for changing our names," Hermione said.

"Hermione, this is a fan fiction it doesn't have to make sense," Ron said then looked at his children. "Rose, Hugo move your hands like daddy and we can get out of the story now." And he circled his hands around each other, Hugo following immediately and Rose seconds later. Hermione looked over at the wooden puppets that had replaced her husband and children and muttered, "Oh, for Circe's sake," then signaled for a sub. The End'"

"Daddy, is that the end of the story?" Hugo asked.

"Yes, Hugo, that's the end of the story." Ron said.

"But when the story ends aren't we supposed to go back to Geppetto's? This isn't Geppetto's," Rose said.

"No, this is the real Grimmauld Place," Hermione said, crying.

~epilogue~

It was Wednesday at Geppetto's and everyone was staring at the table where the principles met, now conspicuously two persons short.

"So, Weasley and Hermione pulled a Snape," Draco said.

"Seems like it, yesterday I was sitting through the weirdest potions lesson listening to my wooden potions teacher lecture my two wooden friends on the proper uses of wormwood," Harry said. "And then I had Quidditch practice with Oliver Wood."

"I know, I was there for the lesson and then afterword in the dressing room," Draco said.

"How did Ron do it?" Ginny asked.

Luna walked over to their table pulled out her scissors and cut the air over her arms and legs. "Aragog said if you moved fast enough in the right direction you could break any web."

"Aragog, is that from a crossover," Draco asked.

"No, it's from the real story," Neville said. "And I think I know how he did it, or at least where to start."

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter and all the characters from the Harry Potter books and movies belong to JKRowling.

**Author's note: **Ok, so that was a cracked out piece of meta.


End file.
